Study Shows 100% of People Who Wake Up Early Were Once Awake

In a peer-reviewed paper that took 47 researchers 8 years to complete, scientists have confirmed what philosophers have pondered for millennia: everyone who wakes up early was, at some point, previously awake. The landmark study, published in the Journal of Groundbreakingly Obvious Findings, examined 10,000 participants across 50 countries and found that 100% of early risers had indeed been awake before their morning alarm. The statistics are undeniable, said lead researcher Dr. Alan Wake. We examined every demographic, every age group, every sleep pattern, and the results were consistent across the board. Early wakers were, historically speaking, not asleep. The findings have revolutionized sleep science, though some critics have argued the research could have been conducted in about 30 seconds by simply asking anyone who has ever woken up.