DeDoDoDo

News that makes absolutely no sense, because real news is overrated

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Coastal Amateur Bowling Federation CEO Concludes Forty-Five Minute All-Hands By Announcing There Will Be A Follow-Up All-Hands To Address Questions Raised During The All-Hands, Recursive Meeting Continuity Officers Confirm Second All-Hands Was 'Calendared, Dreadful, And Technically A Direct Consequence Of The First One'

The Greater Millbrook Recreational Lacrosse Federation held an emergency all-hands meeting Tuesday to announce that the league's upcoming season will begin when the league's upcoming season begins, prompting local officials to issue a formal statement clarifying that no further clarification is forthcoming at this time.

Sports•3 min read

OFFICIAL STATEMENT FROM THE DEPARTMENT OF NONSENSE: Regional Snack Committee Dissolved Mid-All-Hands After CEO Announces Restructuring Of The Department Responsible For Announcing Restructurings, Organizational Change Analysts Describe Irony As 'Recursive, Poorly Timed, And Captured On Zoom'

GlobalTech Solutions convened an emergency all-hands meeting Friday to announce the company is 'moving in a direction,' a statement that took fourteen slides, two guest speakers, and a live poll to fully communicate. Chief Alignment Officer Brenda Fassbinder confirmed afterward that the direction was, at minimum, 'not lateral.'

Business•3 min read

Breaking: Local Officials Clarify Nothing Following Emergency Procurement Summit In Which Municipal Purchasing Board Confirms That Office Supplies Ordered By The Office Are For Use By The Office, Supply Chain Continuity Liaisons Describe Acquisition As 'Intentional, Requisition-Backed, And Destined For The Supply Closet It Was Always Going To'

The Greater Millhaven Municipal Procurement Oversight Subcommittee has released a 478-page policy briefing confirming that pens, staplers, and sticky notes purchased for the office were, in fact, purchased for the office. Analysts say the findings were 'exhaustive, paper-intensive, and available in the supply closet if anyone needs a copy.'

Business•3 min read

Breaking Fake News

PUBLIC SAFETY ALERT: Kendall-Area Protective Order Oversight Subcommittee Releases 340-Page Compliance Report Confirming That A Document Which Was Not Issued Did Not Exist At The Time It Was Needed, Legal Instrument Continuity Analysts Describe Absence As 'Form-Based, Bureaucratically Sound, And Temporally Inconvenient'

Following a tragic incident in Kendall, the newly convened Tri-County Protective Order Temporal Availability Task Force has released an exhaustive compliance document confirming that paperwork which was formally denied was, at all subsequent points in time, not paperwork that existed. Legal instrument analysts describe the finding as 'procedurally airtight, emotionally unexamined, and fully consistent with how denial works.'

Local•3 min read

Area Safari Browser Found To Be Using Less Space Than Is Available On Surface It Is Displayed Upon, Spatial Utilization Experts Describe Gap As 'Measurable, Unused, And Right There If You Look At It'

Apple is reportedly looking into whether the small outer screen on its new folding iPhone could show websites in a way that uses more of the small outer screen. Local display experts confirm the screen is, at this time, still small.

Local•3 min read

PUBLIC SAFETY ALERT: Interagency Long-Term Occupancy Continuity Task Force Issues Urgent Advisory That A Residence Continuously Inhabited Since 1986 Has Been Continuously Inhabited Since 1986, Temporal Real Estate Analysts Warn The Years 'Did Not Pause, Cannot Be Refunded, And Add Up To Approximately 38'

Federal housing continuity officials have issued a Level 4 Residential Persistence Advisory after confirming that a woman who moved into a Los Angeles property in the mid-1980s has remained inside it in the years since, a phenomenon analysts describe as 'chronologically coherent, spatially consistent, and legally very interesting now.'

Entertainment•3 min read