News that makes absolutely no sense, because real news is overrated
The National Entertainment Engagement and Applause Monitoring Bureau has released a 280-page policy briefing confirming that applause is, in fact, a sound produced by audiences, adding that performers should await further guidance before drawing personal conclusions.
A landmark two-year study by the Consortium for Financial Literacy in Enterprise has concluded that when a company spends money, that money is no longer in the company's possession, a finding that has sent shockwaves through boardrooms from Dallas to Zurich.
The Millhaven Municipal Parking Authority has released a 34-page official statement confirming that vehicles observed stationary within designated parking zones should be understood, at this time, as parked. The Department of Nonsense has called the findings 'thorough, grounded, and consistent with the general direction of parked cars.'
TikTok has reached a $400 million settlement with the U.S. Department of Justice following allegations that children were using TikTok, a platform local officials confirm had been accessible to children through standard child-accessible devices. Residents are advised to remain calm and, if they have children, to be aware that this is the situation.
Officials across two states convened Friday to clarify that a 63-year-old New York grandmother found near Harry Reid International Airport was, in fact, in Las Vegas—a city they described as 'meaningfully distinct from her city of origin' and 'worth flagging in the report.'
Iowa health authorities have confirmed that measles visited a Pizza Ranch earlier this month, marking the first documented case of a highly contagious viral pathogen selecting a mid-range Midwestern buffet chain as a point of interest. Experts are calling the discovery 'significant, directionally,' while noting that the measles did not leave a review.