Netflix Introduces 'Binge-Watching Insurance' After Subscribers Begin Physically Fusing With Couches
LOS GATOS, CA — Following dozens of reports of subscribers literally becoming one with their living room furniture, Netflix announced Tuesday the launch of its comprehensive 'Binge-Watching Insurance' program, designed to cover the escalating medical costs associated with viewers who have physically merged with their couches during extended streaming sessions.
The insurance plan, which costs an additional $12.99 per month, covers surgical separation procedures, furniture extraction, and post-fusion physical therapy for customers who have spent more than 72 consecutive hours watching content on the platform.
"We've seen a 340% increase in couch-fusion incidents since the release of our latest true crime documentary series," explained Dr. Margaret Cushman, Netflix's newly appointed Director of Viewer-Furniture Relations. "What starts as innocent binge-watching can quickly escalate into a complete merging of human tissue with upholstery materials. The science is still unclear, but we believe it has something to do with the addictive nature of cliffhangers combined with the gravitational pull of memory foam."
The phenomenon, dubbed 'Streaming Synthesis Syndrome' by medical professionals, was first documented last month when Portland resident Kevin Handlebar was discovered by his roommate having become completely absorbed into his sectional sofa while watching all seven seasons of 'The Great British Baking Show.'
"At first I thought Kevin was just really, really comfortable," said roommate Jennifer Snackwell. "But when I tried to move him to vacuum, I realized his left arm had actually become part of the armrest. His skin had taken on the texture of microfiber, and he could only communicate by making the Netflix 'ta-dum' sound."
Emergency responders required a specialized furniture extraction team and a hydraulic jaws-of-life device to separate Handlebar from the couch in a delicate six-hour procedure. He has since made a full recovery, though doctors report he still occasionally emits the sound of crinkling snack wrappers when he moves too quickly.
"The insurance is honestly a relief," said Dr. Patricia Recliner, chief surgeon at the Los Angeles Center for Furniture-Related Medical Emergencies, a facility that opened just three weeks ago due to increasing demand. "We're seeing everything from ottoman ankle syndrome to coffee table knee fusion. Last week we had a woman who had somehow integrated with her entire entertainment center. She was basically a human remote control holder."
Netflix stock surged 8% following the insurance announcement, with analysts praising the company's proactive approach to subscriber safety. The program will initially be available in 15 major metropolitan areas before expanding nationwide.
In related news, competitor streaming services are reportedly developing their own furniture-fusion prevention programs, with Hulu planning to release a line of 'anti-absorption' bean bags and Disney+ exploring the development of mandatory viewing breaks every 48 hours.