Local Softball Team Discovers Opposing Pitcher Has Been Dead for Three Innings, Still Striking Out Batters

MILLFIELD, OH—In what officials are calling "an unprecedented situation in recreational athletics," the Millfield Mudcats softball team was eliminated from the regional tournament Tuesday evening after going 0-for-12 against pitcher Randy Kowalski of the Oakwood Owls, despite the fact that Kowalski had been clinically dead since the fifth inning.

According to witnesses, the 34-year-old insurance adjuster collapsed on the mound during the top of the fifth after what appeared to be a massive heart attack. However, his body somehow continued pitching with remarkable effectiveness, recording seven strikeouts and allowing only one foul ball over the final four innings.

"I kept calling time-out to tell the umpire that Randy wasn't breathing, but the guy just kept throwing strikes," said Mudcats captain Jeff Hernandez. "His curveball actually got better after he died. It was like his corpse had achieved some kind of zen pitching state."

EMT Sarah Wellington, who arrived at the scene in the sixth inning, confirmed Kowalski's death but noted that "the body displayed exceptional muscle memory and follow-through." She added that she had never seen a deceased person maintain such consistent strike zone accuracy.

"Technically, there's nothing in our rulebook about this," explained tournament director Mike Patterson, who spent two hours consulting various softball regulations during the game. "The pitcher was legally registered when the game began, and since his body never left the mound, we had to let play continue."

Owls teammate Danny Rodriguez said the team first suspected something was wrong when Kowalski stopped responding to their dugout chatter and began pitching with his eyes closed. "Randy was always pretty quiet, but usually he'd at least grunt when we yelled encouragement," Rodriguez explained. "Plus, his fastball jumped from 62 mph to 78 mph, which seemed unusual."

Dr. Patricia Chen, a sports medicine specialist who was not present at the game, theorized that "post-mortem muscle contractions combined with years of pitching experience may have created a perfect storm of athletic performance." She added that this phenomenon "raises fascinating questions about the relationship between consciousness and athletic ability."

The Mudcats, who entered the tournament as the number-two seed, expressed frustration with the unusual loss. "It's bad enough getting shut out by a living pitcher," said first baseman Tony Vaccaro. "Getting no-hit by a dead guy is just embarrassing. My wife is never going to let me hear the end of this."

Kowalski's body was eventually removed from the field following the final out, though it reportedly threw one last strike to the catcher while being loaded onto the stretcher. The Oakwood Owls advance to the championship game this weekend, where they will start backup pitcher Jim Morrison, who is expected to remain alive for the duration of the contest.