Government Announces New Tax: Breathing Tax

In a move that has surprised absolutely no one who has ever seen a government, lawmakers have passed the Air Usage Revenue Act, commonly known as the "Breathing Tax," which will charge citizens $5 for every breath taken.

Starting next month, citizens will be charged based on their breathing rate, with discounts available for those who can hold their breath. Seniors and yoga practitioners are eligible for reduced rates.

"We believe this is fair," said Senator John Chargesalot. "After all, air is a finite resource. Why should breathers get it for free when we're all sharing the same atmosphere? The math just doesn't work."

The tax will be collected automatically through a new app that monitors breathing via smartphone sensors. Early testers report constant anxiety about their breathing rate, which paradoxically causes faster breathing, creating what economists call "a beautiful feedback loop of revenue generation."

Opposition leaders have called the tax "the most logical thing Congress has ever done" and "about time someone capitalized on the fundamental human need to not die."